How to Pray?

What Zachary has taught me so far.......

Boys and girls are so different!
Going fast in a car and going over bumps is FUN!
Boys like mud puddles!
Hannah is so cute and strict!
Fathers are hard on sons (even foster sons)!
Although boy clothes can be cute, girls clothes are so much better!
Vegetables really are not good!
Always follow through on your word!
Always call people back!
God is amazing!
God is in control!
God's plan is good!
I need to study the word more! I need to be grounded and planted to be his mommy!
The devil can use a three year old child to ruin a marriage/family, if you are not planted in the word and surrounded by people who are praying!
God will provide all your needs (thanks Maggie)!
Foster parenting is HARD! You want to pray for his parents to get better, but do you (because that means you lose them)????????????

The last statement hits me hard. I recently had contact with his mom who appears to be so lost and sad! I want her to get better! I want her to know God! But Ive come to love her son A Lot! I want to keep him. I want to see what God has planned for him, but not at her cost! Wish I could have both.....but I can't.....so what do I do? Do I ask God to help her after he's mine? Do I ask Him to ignore her? Do I ask Him to help her get her boy back? That's my problem........

I must remember that it is only through the grace of God that I am who I am and I could have been EASILY on drugs and messed up if it wasn't for special people God placed in my life, just at the right time. I thank Him and I love Him for that and them! I am still a work in progress, but I am so glad that I am not who I used to be!

I can pray for God's will, but I'm still not sure what that means.....do I pray for her? Do I pray for her salvation? Do I jump for joy knowing she "failed" her drug test? I have that yucky feeling in my belly and that is what I'm going to pray about........that I can be that mature in Christ that I can really pray for that without that yucky feeling......Does that make sense?

Until then I am going to enjoy my little man and my sweet family! Pray for his salvation and tuck him into bed at night knowing that I am doing the work of the Father! And that he is using this little boy to teach me so much about life.

Health Care?

I cant even begin to tell you the struggle that I am going through taking my little man to "doctors" that his insurance covers. Dirty! Dirty! Dirty doctors offices (think DMV gross) with doctors who appear clueless. I fight for referrals for speech evaluations because only I can understand him. I fight for antibiotics because he has an ear infection. I fight for a referral for a specialist for his ears because he has had an ear infection for a month. I fight for a referral to the eye doctor because he appears to not see great out of his left eye ("that's normal" his "doctor" says)

Normal? No! It takes everything out of me to bring him to these doctors and their dirty office. He needs the best care..the best doctor...the best of it all! My girl has the best, so should my boy! The best care this little man gets is in the ER (which we visit frequently because his "doctor" thinks an ear infection will cure itself). Its bad when you don't mind going to the ER for treatment. I feel bad bringing him there because it's not a true emergency, but its our only hope for good proper medical treatment. Health care for the poor and foster children really stinks!

However, the most humbling experiences come when you do get the referrals for the specialists ...you make your appointment three weeks ahead of time....you show up on time....and the secretary looks at you and says, "Oh you have "that" insurance.....let me double check if we can see you today". WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Some people can make you feel defeated and violated...almost not worthy of being in their presence because your child is on "Medicaid". It truly is a humbling experience to be treated like crap. I always like to watch their face drop when you tell them that "I wish the state would give better care to foster children or a least let them go under your health care plan". After this news, AMAZINGLY little man is sent right out to see the good doctor and you become the secretary's new best friend because she is ever so nice to you. It makes me want to puke!

The rest of the day I think about how sad I feel inside for all the parents who want great health care for their children, but can not afford "the best". I think about the awesome health care I have taken for granted all these years. I never really thanked God for it, but tonight I am on my knees thankful for the blessing of good health care. Praying for moms and dads who don't have "the best"....praying for children in the foster care system who need "the best".....praying for doctors and staff to be nice to families who can't afford "the best"!

My Boy...My man child...My Journey to my Zachary

Well dear readers on December 3rd, 2010 at 7PM we became foster parents of a beautiful three year old child of God....Zachary. The name Zachary means "the Lord remembered" and He sure did. It was a blessed Christmas and I have really been on cloud 9 (most of the time). He is such a good boy and fits so well into our family. The rest of this blog will be about him and what God is teaching me through him (too much to write already).

Being a foster mommy is a lot harder than I expected. Not parenting hard....got out my books, time out chairs, potty stickers, etc. As a former Kindergarten teacher...I know the tricks! The hardest part of being Zack's momma is the small (but ever so big) barrier that is guarding my heart....to love him like hes mine. Hes not mine...but he is for now! Will he be mine forever?......Only my Father in heaven knows. God keeps reminding me that Zack is His child and He has a perfect plan for Him. He reminds me that Hannah is His too and He has a plan for her. He could take either of them tomorrow.....my job is to love them today, hug them today, play with them today. Teach them about Him today because if I do this.....they will be mine for eternity!

Burnt Out

I come to you today dear reader at the end of my ropes......I am physically and mentally burnt out with DYFS, specifically all involved with Zachary. I have NEVER EVER EVER encountered such disgrace in so many people, so many workers and even supervisors. The people that I have spoken to about "our judge ordered right to have Zachary within ten days" are so ignorant, cruel, LAZY, and LAZY. They say we will call you back, but never do...........they say they cant get their work done if I keep calling.......They hang up on me............They lie to me........They make me feel like I am a pycho path crazy person. DO YOUR JOB thats all I ask.....give me a plan....dont just say I'll call you back and never do! My head feels like its going to explode. I need prayers. I need major prayers!!!!

I guess I need prayers for a PLAN! A DYFS PLAN! The judge told them they have 10 days, but somehow, someway I feel DYFS is in a league higher than the judge. I can hear them now, "Your Honor....for the safety and well being of this child....we need more time." Then more time......then more time.....it has been two months for Heaven's sake!!!!! I need a plan from them. Its only then will I start preparing physically for Zack (putting his clothes and toys out). I need major prayers for a plan.......a solid plan and (of course) a sound mind.

First Court Hearing

Today I had to go to Bridgeton for my court hearing for Zachary. My mom told me to get dressed up, so I put my best clothes and heals. People in the court house are different.....very different, but I just sat in the waiting room until we were called to see the judge. I spoke to his new DYFS worker, her supervisor, and his lawyer. All stated that the family wants Zack to be with us.....

Went in to see the judge (who apparently was not too thrilled with dyfs) and he said, "This child needs to be placed with the McIntyre's who are family friends within 10 days! He stated to me that I am in charge of his visitation with his parents and family and said a lot of other technical things that went over my head. All agreed! We left.........hour ride home with dad and all I wanted to do was say thank you. Thank you for not being selfish and sharing your son with us. I am sure this is hard on him because I can tell that he loves him. What a sacrifice he and his family are making knowing that we could give him something "a little better". This is only by the grace of God that I am who I am now and I am completely in shock that He has chosen us to raise this child for a while. God is so good. I just am completely in awe of what He is doing and continues to do in my life. I do not deserve anything...I sin...try to control everything...spend too much...lookout during certain times of the month, but He still gives me the desires of my heart. A loving husband, an adorable little girl and now a man child...a little boy to call mine even if it is just for a season.
Thank you for all who have prayed. Prayers were felt and gave me comfort while waiting for the judge. Continue to pray for us...for me. Pray that I will become the woman God wants me to be.

Court Tomorrow

Tomorrow is court day for Zachary. His law guardian called me and asked me to come to introduce myself to the judge. I am a little unsure as to what this means, but please pray for our situation. We have court at 9AM. I'll let you know what happens..........

Be Still and Know that I am God

I have wanted to be a mom all my life. When asked what do you want to be when I was young..I replied, "I want to be a mommy!" I love children..everything about them. Their smiles and happiness. I love being a mom. The first couple years were very hard (and I often questioned my calling) but now I love it! Hannah brings me so much joy and being her mom is probably the most rewarding thing in my life. I love her. Her gentle spirit is amazing to me. I could spend every hour, every day with her. She makes me so happy. Today I had off and she has school. It took everything in my power to send her to school because I just wanted to hang with her. I guess it was a good thing I sent her to school because I could be still...........

Becoming a foster parent (not official yet) has taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with God. He has told me to Be Still and know that I am God! His planning is perfect and He knows what is best for the McIntyre's. This foster care process has taken a long time...............long........long......long..... I was able to be still for a while until the day I got the call for Zack. I went from being still shaking my fist at DYFS, calling 8 hours per day, demanding answers. Oh my!! I could not and have not been still since I got the call from his grandmom. Oh I try to be still and rely on God but this is what I do...."But God DYFS is not working hard enough, I need to step in"...He says, Be still....I say "But God he would be perfect, I love the age and we are so close to his family!"....He says, Be still! I really try to be still...I really do, but then I start to think that maybe God could use a little help. Yesterday I actually called the judge demanding answers (like he is my son). The JUDGE! He called me back and gave me the number for Zack's attorney. Is that being still?
What does that mean actually? Be still and know that I am God!

Does that mean calling DYFS everyday? NO
Does that mean calling the Judge? No
Does that mean calling the lawyer? No
Does that mean just praying for God to handle all the problems? Yes

"Oh dear Jesus help me with my unbelief!" If you can calm a raging sea then you handle this......I feel like the disciples when they were on the boat and the sea was rough and they were freaking out, but Jesus was just sleeping with no care in the world about the danger. I feel like God is just sleeping while I am doing all the work to get Zack. The oceans are crashing and I'm drowning, but God is calm and wants me to Be Still.

OK...I'm surrendering this to Him once again. No more calls from me! I did enough damage. Please pray for me in this area. Pray that I'm able to be calm and still in this battle.