Burnt Out

I come to you today dear reader at the end of my ropes......I am physically and mentally burnt out with DYFS, specifically all involved with Zachary. I have NEVER EVER EVER encountered such disgrace in so many people, so many workers and even supervisors. The people that I have spoken to about "our judge ordered right to have Zachary within ten days" are so ignorant, cruel, LAZY, and LAZY. They say we will call you back, but never do...........they say they cant get their work done if I keep calling.......They hang up on me............They lie to me........They make me feel like I am a pycho path crazy person. DO YOUR JOB thats all I ask.....give me a plan....dont just say I'll call you back and never do! My head feels like its going to explode. I need prayers. I need major prayers!!!!

I guess I need prayers for a PLAN! A DYFS PLAN! The judge told them they have 10 days, but somehow, someway I feel DYFS is in a league higher than the judge. I can hear them now, "Your Honor....for the safety and well being of this child....we need more time." Then more time......then more time.....it has been two months for Heaven's sake!!!!! I need a plan from them. Its only then will I start preparing physically for Zack (putting his clothes and toys out). I need major prayers for a plan.......a solid plan and (of course) a sound mind.

First Court Hearing

Today I had to go to Bridgeton for my court hearing for Zachary. My mom told me to get dressed up, so I put my best clothes and heals. People in the court house are different.....very different, but I just sat in the waiting room until we were called to see the judge. I spoke to his new DYFS worker, her supervisor, and his lawyer. All stated that the family wants Zack to be with us.....

Went in to see the judge (who apparently was not too thrilled with dyfs) and he said, "This child needs to be placed with the McIntyre's who are family friends within 10 days! He stated to me that I am in charge of his visitation with his parents and family and said a lot of other technical things that went over my head. All agreed! We left.........hour ride home with dad and all I wanted to do was say thank you. Thank you for not being selfish and sharing your son with us. I am sure this is hard on him because I can tell that he loves him. What a sacrifice he and his family are making knowing that we could give him something "a little better". This is only by the grace of God that I am who I am now and I am completely in shock that He has chosen us to raise this child for a while. God is so good. I just am completely in awe of what He is doing and continues to do in my life. I do not deserve anything...I sin...try to control everything...spend too much...lookout during certain times of the month, but He still gives me the desires of my heart. A loving husband, an adorable little girl and now a man child...a little boy to call mine even if it is just for a season.
Thank you for all who have prayed. Prayers were felt and gave me comfort while waiting for the judge. Continue to pray for us...for me. Pray that I will become the woman God wants me to be.

Court Tomorrow

Tomorrow is court day for Zachary. His law guardian called me and asked me to come to introduce myself to the judge. I am a little unsure as to what this means, but please pray for our situation. We have court at 9AM. I'll let you know what happens..........

Be Still and Know that I am God

I have wanted to be a mom all my life. When asked what do you want to be when I was young..I replied, "I want to be a mommy!" I love children..everything about them. Their smiles and happiness. I love being a mom. The first couple years were very hard (and I often questioned my calling) but now I love it! Hannah brings me so much joy and being her mom is probably the most rewarding thing in my life. I love her. Her gentle spirit is amazing to me. I could spend every hour, every day with her. She makes me so happy. Today I had off and she has school. It took everything in my power to send her to school because I just wanted to hang with her. I guess it was a good thing I sent her to school because I could be still...........

Becoming a foster parent (not official yet) has taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with God. He has told me to Be Still and know that I am God! His planning is perfect and He knows what is best for the McIntyre's. This foster care process has taken a long time...............long........long......long..... I was able to be still for a while until the day I got the call for Zack. I went from being still shaking my fist at DYFS, calling 8 hours per day, demanding answers. Oh my!! I could not and have not been still since I got the call from his grandmom. Oh I try to be still and rely on God but this is what I do...."But God DYFS is not working hard enough, I need to step in"...He says, Be still....I say "But God he would be perfect, I love the age and we are so close to his family!"....He says, Be still! I really try to be still...I really do, but then I start to think that maybe God could use a little help. Yesterday I actually called the judge demanding answers (like he is my son). The JUDGE! He called me back and gave me the number for Zack's attorney. Is that being still?
What does that mean actually? Be still and know that I am God!

Does that mean calling DYFS everyday? NO
Does that mean calling the Judge? No
Does that mean calling the lawyer? No
Does that mean just praying for God to handle all the problems? Yes

"Oh dear Jesus help me with my unbelief!" If you can calm a raging sea then you handle this......I feel like the disciples when they were on the boat and the sea was rough and they were freaking out, but Jesus was just sleeping with no care in the world about the danger. I feel like God is just sleeping while I am doing all the work to get Zack. The oceans are crashing and I'm drowning, but God is calm and wants me to Be Still.

OK...I'm surrendering this to Him once again. No more calls from me! I did enough damage. Please pray for me in this area. Pray that I'm able to be calm and still in this battle.