My Boy...My man child...My Journey to my Zachary

Well dear readers on December 3rd, 2010 at 7PM we became foster parents of a beautiful three year old child of God....Zachary. The name Zachary means "the Lord remembered" and He sure did. It was a blessed Christmas and I have really been on cloud 9 (most of the time). He is such a good boy and fits so well into our family. The rest of this blog will be about him and what God is teaching me through him (too much to write already).

Being a foster mommy is a lot harder than I expected. Not parenting hard....got out my books, time out chairs, potty stickers, etc. As a former Kindergarten teacher...I know the tricks! The hardest part of being Zack's momma is the small (but ever so big) barrier that is guarding my heart....to love him like hes mine. Hes not mine...but he is for now! Will he be mine forever?......Only my Father in heaven knows. God keeps reminding me that Zack is His child and He has a perfect plan for Him. He reminds me that Hannah is His too and He has a plan for her. He could take either of them tomorrow.....my job is to love them today, hug them today, play with them today. Teach them about Him today because if I do this.....they will be mine for eternity!

Burnt Out

I come to you today dear reader at the end of my ropes......I am physically and mentally burnt out with DYFS, specifically all involved with Zachary. I have NEVER EVER EVER encountered such disgrace in so many people, so many workers and even supervisors. The people that I have spoken to about "our judge ordered right to have Zachary within ten days" are so ignorant, cruel, LAZY, and LAZY. They say we will call you back, but never do...........they say they cant get their work done if I keep calling.......They hang up on me............They lie to me........They make me feel like I am a pycho path crazy person. DO YOUR JOB thats all I ask.....give me a plan....dont just say I'll call you back and never do! My head feels like its going to explode. I need prayers. I need major prayers!!!!

I guess I need prayers for a PLAN! A DYFS PLAN! The judge told them they have 10 days, but somehow, someway I feel DYFS is in a league higher than the judge. I can hear them now, "Your Honor....for the safety and well being of this child....we need more time." Then more time......then more time.....it has been two months for Heaven's sake!!!!! I need a plan from them. Its only then will I start preparing physically for Zack (putting his clothes and toys out). I need major prayers for a plan.......a solid plan and (of course) a sound mind.

First Court Hearing

Today I had to go to Bridgeton for my court hearing for Zachary. My mom told me to get dressed up, so I put my best clothes and heals. People in the court house are different.....very different, but I just sat in the waiting room until we were called to see the judge. I spoke to his new DYFS worker, her supervisor, and his lawyer. All stated that the family wants Zack to be with us.....

Went in to see the judge (who apparently was not too thrilled with dyfs) and he said, "This child needs to be placed with the McIntyre's who are family friends within 10 days! He stated to me that I am in charge of his visitation with his parents and family and said a lot of other technical things that went over my head. All agreed! We left.........hour ride home with dad and all I wanted to do was say thank you. Thank you for not being selfish and sharing your son with us. I am sure this is hard on him because I can tell that he loves him. What a sacrifice he and his family are making knowing that we could give him something "a little better". This is only by the grace of God that I am who I am now and I am completely in shock that He has chosen us to raise this child for a while. God is so good. I just am completely in awe of what He is doing and continues to do in my life. I do not deserve anything...I sin...try to control everything...spend too much...lookout during certain times of the month, but He still gives me the desires of my heart. A loving husband, an adorable little girl and now a man child...a little boy to call mine even if it is just for a season.
Thank you for all who have prayed. Prayers were felt and gave me comfort while waiting for the judge. Continue to pray for us...for me. Pray that I will become the woman God wants me to be.

Court Tomorrow

Tomorrow is court day for Zachary. His law guardian called me and asked me to come to introduce myself to the judge. I am a little unsure as to what this means, but please pray for our situation. We have court at 9AM. I'll let you know what happens..........

Be Still and Know that I am God

I have wanted to be a mom all my life. When asked what do you want to be when I was young..I replied, "I want to be a mommy!" I love children..everything about them. Their smiles and happiness. I love being a mom. The first couple years were very hard (and I often questioned my calling) but now I love it! Hannah brings me so much joy and being her mom is probably the most rewarding thing in my life. I love her. Her gentle spirit is amazing to me. I could spend every hour, every day with her. She makes me so happy. Today I had off and she has school. It took everything in my power to send her to school because I just wanted to hang with her. I guess it was a good thing I sent her to school because I could be still...........

Becoming a foster parent (not official yet) has taught me a lot about myself and my relationship with God. He has told me to Be Still and know that I am God! His planning is perfect and He knows what is best for the McIntyre's. This foster care process has taken a long time...............long........long......long..... I was able to be still for a while until the day I got the call for Zack. I went from being still shaking my fist at DYFS, calling 8 hours per day, demanding answers. Oh my!! I could not and have not been still since I got the call from his grandmom. Oh I try to be still and rely on God but this is what I do...."But God DYFS is not working hard enough, I need to step in"...He says, Be still....I say "But God he would be perfect, I love the age and we are so close to his family!"....He says, Be still! I really try to be still...I really do, but then I start to think that maybe God could use a little help. Yesterday I actually called the judge demanding answers (like he is my son). The JUDGE! He called me back and gave me the number for Zack's attorney. Is that being still?
What does that mean actually? Be still and know that I am God!

Does that mean calling DYFS everyday? NO
Does that mean calling the Judge? No
Does that mean calling the lawyer? No
Does that mean just praying for God to handle all the problems? Yes

"Oh dear Jesus help me with my unbelief!" If you can calm a raging sea then you handle this......I feel like the disciples when they were on the boat and the sea was rough and they were freaking out, but Jesus was just sleeping with no care in the world about the danger. I feel like God is just sleeping while I am doing all the work to get Zack. The oceans are crashing and I'm drowning, but God is calm and wants me to Be Still.

OK...I'm surrendering this to Him once again. No more calls from me! I did enough damage. Please pray for me in this area. Pray that I'm able to be calm and still in this battle.

Zachary Scott

Three weeks ago I got a call from a church friend asking me if could open my home to her three year old grandson who needed a home. After discussing it with my family, we agreed to take him. A boy! How exciting! I even know most of his family members so we were really excited. Friday morning I woke up expecting to have a little man by the end of the day. Three weeks of torture...DYFS torture...One person says one thing, one says another. One supervisor says yes..one says no. Most are rude and it has really been disheartening. I cried out to God for some answers, but He said, "Be Still!" I tried to give it to Him, but then I would call, and call, and call. No help! No answer! I was ready to pull my hair out. I just wanted answers..if its no, then OK. Just God's will, but I needed to know that will and fast. But God had other plans for me. I needed to Let Go and Be Still.

So yesterday I told Him that I'm giving up. If it is meant to be then so be it. No more calling DYFS 10 times a day.....It was hard for me. I did call, but only one time (which made me sad that I gave in). Today I surrendered again. Well I got a call from one worker with negative news and I was sad....but then 15 minutes later, I got a call from another worker who said something opposite and that she wanted me to meet him. Ok...what time? and where??

My picture of the little man was a dark brown, dark eyed olive complexion because grandmom said he looks like Hannah. Zack is a fair boy with green eyes, light brown/reddish hair. He was all boy. Wanted to play cars, trucks, army men.....he had no interest in the princess castle or barbies. I left the visit feeling a little sick to my stomach. I'm not a boy's mom....all I know is girlie things! There was also something strange that I just couldn't put my finger on...finally I realized that little Zack was a spitting image of my brother who passed away. Crazy right?

I also left the visit with something I never had before the call...peace. Peace like a dove. I felt free. I cried out to God and told Him that I trust Him. He knows whats best for our family and Zachary. If its with us, great. If not, great. I am so thankful for His peace in this situation...Peace is flowing like a river. Thank you for all your prayers. Please continue to pray for God's will and my peace and acceptance of His decision. Ill keep you posted if I hear any news.....

Waiting.....wondering......wishing

I haven't been on here for a while now because I haven't heard anything from our worker. She has been on vacation for 3 weeks so I'm praying that she gets back to us soon. "Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him" I want God's perfect plan, not just His good plan because I'm impatient and begging Him to act, so He does. I WANT PERFECTION that is why I'm willing to wait and pray................

This week has been thought provoking for me. I say God can do the impossible, but do I really believe it? That is what I thought about this crazy "back to work" week. Let me explain.......I have two special friends who got a phone call one day asking them if they wanted to adopt their soon to be baby. Two perfect children, two happy families, two true miracles from the Lord. Jimmy one day said, "Maybe that will happen to us, Michele!" I said, "That would be nice, but............" Thats where my faith ended....I threw up a hey God "that would be nice" prayer, not thinking it would ever happen.....Faithless......I tell people, sing and pray, that God can move mountains, but this mountain was too heavy, even for God.

That brings us to this week. I got a call several times this summer from a dear friend, but we kept playing phone tag. I finally got a hold of her and she said that she had something to tell me, but she thinks it might fall through. OK....She got a call from someone over the summer asking her if she wanted to adopt a boy who would be born in November. <<<>>> But then she said that if she didn't, she would refer her to us!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD YOU ARE AMAZING! I asked a few questions, but then she said that it will probably fall through and that she doesnt know any more information. Ok..........I calmly said, well keep us in mind if the situation comes up...........

God smiled at me and said, "Faith is believing in miracles that you don't see" I said I was so sorry that I doubted in Him and have been thinking of this since.......He can move mountains and His plan is perfect. Although the plan may not go through, he showed me that He can do anything...We were so close.....My God can move mountains and my job now is to be still and wait patiently for His perfect plan.........What miracle are you praying for today? Do you really believe that God can move this mountain? Praying He does

The Dove

Our worker came on Thursday. She is really nice and sweet and I really like her. Everything looks good she said and we will probably have our final inspection in September. Yeah! Room is almost done. I want to start really clearing out my clutter in my house for the rest of the summer to prepare for the future.

Frustration.....frustration......frustration

After a week of not hearing from her our worker called to tell us that our new radiator covers will not pass inspection because there are little spaces in between the wood. She explained that a child may put his hand in it and burn it. What? I told her she was wrong and no child can stick his hand in between the slots so she said she needs to come check. Im not sure if this is really a problem or does she want to break us down so that we back out of becoming foster parents. Really people really??????? First of all, even when the heat is on, the radiators are not hot enough to burn anything. I am frustrated, really frustrated. So many times tonight I wanted to call her and tell her "forget it"....Ill just have my own! DYFS is so frustrating! Now she is coming tomorrow to check other things. I am sure the wood stove fence is not good enough because its not high enough. She told me that already, but I told her its fine....the age group that we want is birth to age 3..the fence is fine. Why so much baby proofing? I told Hannah no, she didnt do it and when she did she got a time out. That's whats going to happen to any child I have the pleasure to raise. That is how I was raised...you say no...you mean no..or you get punished. Too old fashioned for DYFS I guess.

What brings to my mind is that is God closing the door and Im keeping it open or does He want me to develop patience and the ability to lean on Him? Im not sure....is He shutting the door? Does He not want this for the McIntyre's? Sometimes Jimmy tells me this, but then he comes up with ways to overcome DYFS requests (putting mesh on the back so no finger will fit through). So many times tonight I just wanted to tell him that I'm done, but Hannah was always right there and I dont want to tell her its over until its over. No mind games.

Today I spent the day with a foster child who I just love. He is very special and the thought of him makes me smile. I see Him and I smile knowing that so many seeds are being planted in him that will last an eternity. Wondering what would have happened to him if he didn't get the foster parents that he did. Hes such a good kid (all boy) and I love him. Keep thinking of him and many other foster children who are living a great life because of foster parents who did not give up.

Please pray for us. She comes tomorrow at 4PM. Pray for Gods will and my willingness to accept and trust Him if this is not His will. Thanks for listening...I feel a little better!

DYFS Came!!!!

She didn't cancel!!!! She came on Friday at 4PM to do Jimmy's interview and check the repairs. This worker is soooo sweet and kind. I really like her a lot. She's really laid back and friendly. Jimmy liked her and she was able to take some of the DYFS bitterness out of his mouth. Im starting to fix the room. Our good friends gave us a bed and I bought a Sponge Bob comforter for it. Sponge Bob is universal for a girl/boy...right? The weather is pretty cool so I am going to take advantage of it and finish the Sponge Bob ocean room! I am getting so excited! This summer has been awesome. My only prayer is that we "get" a child before I go back to work so I can get use to the transition. Jennifer (our worker) said that our case "should be" approved before August 12th. But then she said, But........I am going on vacation so it could be later. Jimmy said that's fine, no rush! I closed my mouth and prayed for God's will be done. I'm getting scared and excited! Cant wait to see God's plan. Its funny because He is working on my heart....not on fostering, but other things... patience and perseverance! He wants me to get my spending under control and He is changing my heart on what I truly want to do in my church. Pray that I submit to His will. I want him to create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. Just love Him!

dyfs cancelled

She cancelled again! She was coming tomorrow but had to reschedule for Friday....more time for repairs!!!!! Please pray for this visit!

The Question? Why????

I have been avoiding this question since I started this blog...."Why do I want to be a foster parent when I can easily have one of my own?" To be honest....I don't know! I have no desire to have another biological child. Weird? I cant explain it. The wanting to adopt runs deep into my soul...its in my blood. When DYFS (rude, rude, rude worker) came out the first time, as soon as the door shut behind her, Jimmy said, "Forget it Michele! Lets have our own!" I remember feeling a sense of loss!

The only way I can explain it is that our God has placed this desire in me. Its not a natural desire so I know it only comes from Him. He adopted me into His kingdom and I haven't been the same since that day. I love Him to pieces. He is my daddy in heaven and I trust Him to only give me what I can handle. I am completely in awe of Him and sometimes feel I don't deserve such an awesome God. He gave up His Son so that I can have a relationship with Him. He planted this seed and may His will be done!

So to answer the question....I want to adopt for Him. I want to plant His seed in a child's life who may have never heard of this awesome Person. Sure I can have my own and do the same thing, but there are so many children out there already who need to hear of His love......

There are so many encouraging stories in the bible of men/women who were adopted and became strong warriors (Jesus,Moses, Ester). Ester, by the way, is Hannah's favorite woman in the bible. She knows her story and actually taught it to the Sunday School class :)

Once we give our hearts to Christ, believing and trusting in Him alone for salvation, God says we become part of His family—not through the natural process of human conception, but through adoption. Please start praying for our foster children. Pray that his/her heart will be open to accept Christ. Please pray for us that we are able to show His love and that we are not to stressed out. We want to plant seeds.........

My Girl, Hannah

I will never forget the day that I found out that I was pregnant with Hannah. I was so happy! I was my turn...I am going to be a mommy! I busted out my maternity clothes before the two lines read positive :) I haven't stopped smiling since. I wanted. to be a mom long before I could remember and it was happening.....I was going to be a momma! On July 22, 2002, my Hannah was born and I fell in love from the start. She was so cute and I remember just sitting and looking at her all day long (literally). She was (and still is) perfect. My girl completes my life. She is simply incredible. As she gets older, we grow closer and closer. She is my bestest bud and I love to hang out with her. She makes me laugh, she teaches me about GOD, and she's just....perfect. My perfect gift from God. My Hannah.

She knows we are going to be foster parents and she is excited. We thought that God was closing the door for us and foster care and she was really upset. But now that the door is open again, I dont really tell her too much about foster care because I don't want to upset her more if God closes the door again.....My biggest worry about fostering a child is her. I can deal with the aches and pains of losing a child we have taken care of...but can she? I keep reminding her that we are only "loving" the child until his/her mom gets better....we are not keeping them. During her foster care interview with our worker Hannah asked, "What if the mom doesnt get better? Do we get to keep her (notice she says her, she wants only a girl)?" So shes thinking about that...

During the winter we had the pleasure of hosting a orphan from Ukraine named Julia. Julia was hard to manage. She was only 6, in a different country, and did not speak English. It was a stressful time with her, and I could see it in Hannah the stress that having her was taking on our family. Julia was scary (she did scary things) and I was afraid for Hannah to be alone with her. Did you ever see the movie Orphan?????? Scary, right? That was our Julia...

Please pray that fostering a child will be different and not so stressful for our family. Please pray that Hannah will not be scared and that we can manage this child's behavior with the help from God. Also please pray that if this is not God's will for our family that the door will shut.

dyfs cancelled

Today I had a meeting with our case worker, but she called an hour before to cancel. DYFS makes it hard to be a foster parent....they are unreliable! Had so many problems so far with them and we don't even have kids yet. But God can move mountains and he is bigger than this organization. He will get His will done. Please pray that our house will pass inspection...its 104 years old and has some flaws, but its a loving home! The people inside the house are awesome God fearing people! She comes out next Monday to finish interviews and check on repairs.....

The Head of It All: My Rock

I met Jimmy when I was in college and loved him from the start. We met in June...was engaged in December...married a year later on March 13, 1999. He's an amazing husband and father. The foster journey for him has not been easy. He is a private person and DYFS wants to know all "your business". They are also not the nicest and he can not tolerate ignorance! His role in this has been all home repairs....fixing wells, building radiator covers, etc.... He's not a happy camper, but is doing his part. Even though I always wanted to be a foster parent the idea to actually become one came from him (all who know him know that this is a true miracle from God). One day I told him that its time to have our second child and he said, "Why dont we look into foster care? There are so many children who need a home!" My hero! I called the next day to get the ball rolling........This was back in April 2010.

Please pray for him during this time. This has been hard for him, but I continue to see the Lord shine through him.....God is giving my little hunter skills that I never knew he had......Just love him....hes going to be such a good foster dad!

My Call to Adopt

I feel down deep into my soul that God's plans for me is to become a foster (adoptive) parent. I've felt this way for years...even before the birth of my first biological daughter! This blog is going to be about my journey to this precious miracle and the ups and downs of the system (DYFS)who will teach me patience, perseverance, and the POWER of my Savior who can move mountains....

My purpose of this blog is to journal the awesomeness of God through this process and how I am becoming closer and closer to Him.